...Jonathan Safran Foer

Dear Diary,

It has been so long since I've written you that my intestines ache. Ever since I've been crowned the wunderkind of modern fiction (and the toast of literary New York), my time is precious. Just like my books are precious. Certainly Michiko Kakutani thinks my books are precious. I mounted what she said about my last book, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, above the mantle in the living room: "...contains moments of shattering emotion and virtuosity that attest to Mr. Foer's myriad gifts..." She's so hard to impress, too! And I try really hard to impress her.

I fear, diary, that I may be in the middle of a writer's block.

As you know, my first book, Everything Is Illuminated, was a fiction novel about a guy named Jonathan Safran Foer (that's me!!) traveling to Eastern Europe to trace his family's roots. It was very funny & honest & poetic & lovely. I liked it a lot!! My second book, the aforementioned Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, was about a 9 year old boy named Oscar who, post 9/11, seeks to find a lock that is linked to his father's untimely death. It was very pretentious & sappy & cloying & artsy. I liked it a lot!!

Trouble is, I don't know where to go from here.

I started writing a book called The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, but apparently it's already a book. And it won the Pulitzer!! Who knew?! The characters in that book are comic book artists, but my characters were Thai hookers who went on a crazy cocaine bender and turned into leapfrogs. Admittedly, it wasn't my best effort.

Next I started writing a book called A History of Hate, a response to my wife's magnificent book, A History of Love. I slept on the couch for a month after that little stunt.

Then came Orange, which was just the word "orange" rearranged differently throughout 426 pages, like this: o r a n g e (p. 28); ora ng e (p. 103); e g n o r a (p. 229); orang e (p. 350) - don't worry, I won't give away the ending!! My editor wasn't happy with that effort.

So today I was brainstorming and I came up with this: a novel called Everything Is Extremely Close & Incredibly Loud. It is the story of a 9 year-old girl named Jonathan Safran Foer who travels to Eastern Europe to find a lock that may or may not have belonged to her father or grandfather. The book will feature all sorts of interesting phrases and wordspushedtogethertoindicatepanic and small scripts and BIG SCRIPTS and colors and pages with (no W O R D S) and pages with (toomanyWORDS) and crossouts and different fonts and photographs and drawings and diagrams and hypertext links that will not work because it is a book not a website but people will be too involved in the story & the characters & the passion & the creativity & the superstaramazingnessoftheWunderKind that they will not care and I will make money and we will settle in a house by the sea and the last page will be so lovely & moving & powerful that readers will weep and I will be rich.

I am amazing.

Love,
Jonathan