Dearest Diary,
I have concocted my most delicious recipe yet and I want to share it with you before I release it onto an unsuspecting public. (It will change lives, of this I am certain.)
Okay, look. I know the flavor combination is a little out there, but trust me - it is divine.
Here's the recipe:
Cake: 3 cups flour • 1 stick butter • 1/2 lb milk chocolate • 1/2 lb dark chocolate • 1/2 lb white chocolate • 4 eggs • 1 tsp. baking soda • splash of milk • 3 cups pumpkin • 1/2 lb pureed rosebuds • 1/4 cup gin (Don't question me, just do it.)
Frosting: 1 stick butter • 1/2 lb strawberries • 1/2 lb peaches • 1 five-pound chicken, roasted • 3 cups cream • 1/2 cup sugar
OK! Here we go!
(3-10 years prep; 2 hours baking)
Directions
1. Grow wheat for flour. This will take 3-10 years.
2. Harvest & mill wheat.
3. Raise a chicken and a cow until they reach maturity (approx. 1 year)
4. Collect eggs from chicken, then slaughter the chicken. I find that cutting off the head is unnecessarily cruel. What I do is shame the chicken until it's depressed and overdoses on sleeping pills. This sometimes takes a couple months, but the sleeping pills give an extra kick to the batter. It's really worth it.
5. Milk cow. Churn butter with half of what cow has yielded. Slaughter cow, freeze carcass. You can make tasty kabobs with remains.
6. Can the peaches and strawberries a couple months in advance. I find that canning fruits at three in the morning optimizes their flavors, but if you prefer to take a shortcut, suit yourself. Don't expect to win any baking awards, though.
Cake
1. Combine three cups flour (milled from wheat) with splash of milk and baking soda in a mixing bowl.
2. Melt chocolate (I order from special vendor in Switzerland; I suggest you do the same, but if you want cheap trailer-park cakes, by all means, knock yourself out and go with Hershey's).
3. Combine chocolate with butter in a bowl, but not the one with the flour.
4. Fold in chocolate-butter combo with flour combo. Use a new bowl for this.
5. In separate bowl, combine pumpkins, pureed rosebuds, and eggs. Beat vigorously for 2 1/2 hours, not a minute more or a minute less. Get your maid to do it if necessary.
6. Drink the gin. You deserve a break.
7. Take out a new bowl. Combine all ingredients one teaspoon at a time. By this I mean, take a teaspoon of the pumpkin combination and drop it in the bowl. Then take a teaspoon of the chocolate combination and drop it in the bowl. Continue alternating in this method. This will take a couple hours, but the flavors will have time to mingle with each other.
8. In a bundt pan or in cupcake tins, pour in the mixture. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour. Remove and cool.
Frosting
1. Roast chicken in oven. Do not season it with anything. You want the chickeniest chicken possible.
2. In a Cuisinart, blend strawberries, peaches, butter, cream, and sugar. Transfer to mixing bowl.
3. Remove chicken from oven and peel succulent meat from carcass.
4. In a different Cuisinart, puree the chicken meat. Transfer to mixing bowl.
5. Blend thoroughly (about 1/2 hour).
6. Spread evenly on cupcakes or bundt cake.
7. Serve immediately.
ENJOY!
Yummy kisses,
Martha
