...Professor Dan Wilson

Dear Diary,

The cat is out of the bag: I am awesome. Also, I am on the verge of a career in comedy.

I've said a lot of funny things to my students in LIS 2600, and I've fortunately had the foresight to scrawl down most every blessed drop of humor that I squeezed out.

So now, o' comforting journal, I present:

Dan Wilson on...

On things not to say in front of your young son in the event that he repeats aforementioned phrase in wife's presence:
"You eyeballin' me?"

On Schadenfreude:
"And even though we don't curve grades, when others do worse than us, we feel better about ourselves."

On the importance of offering audial information in tandem with visual information:
"A patron might ask, 'How do I use this Internet thing?' to which you should respond, 'Do you see that "x" in the upper right hand corner? Click on it. Now get up and walk away. You're not smart enough to be using this computer."

On being corrected by smart-assed former English teachers-turned-librarians and how they will interact with patrons while teaching Dewey Classification:
"You are now in 'Mammals' and this how you spell it."

On intellectual property:
"I want you to brainstorm ideas that I can take and publish and make a ton of money and you just get mad... because that's the kind of irony that I find funny."

On WebMD:
"You figure out what rash you've got and who you should stop hanging out with."

On people who fail to back-up their files:
"Some of you are running around with IT scissors in your hands. And one day..." [ominously puts hand to eye.]

On my obsession with financial security:
"DBAs make a ton of money... fancy suits... more than the chancellor, less than the basketball coach... nice salary... mid-six figures... add value to a resume... job security... more money in my pocket... long lunches, long lunches, long lunches, long lunches..."*

On Westinghouse:
"When Westinghouse I Westinghouse worked Westinghouse at Westinghouse, I Westinghouse didn't Westinghouse get Westinghouse a Westinghouse long Westinghouse lunch."*

*Not direct quotes

The good news is, journal, that my students really liked me this semester. Here's what they've said!

"He likes the Steelers." - Andrea

"His jokes at the beginning of class keep the joke-telling tradition alive!" - Maggie

"I bet he's fun at a barbecue." - Tim

"Dan Wilson is a sharp dresser!" - Paula

"Imitation, Dan Wilson, is the sincerest form of flattery. PS: You didn't actually think you wouldn't be one of my entries, did you?! C'mon. You being the final target was the whole reason I started this thematic blog." - Joe Prince

Hooray for a great semester!
xox Dan

...Tim Gunn

Bloggers:

Professor Wilson mentioned that many of you have not reached the required 24-post goal. This concerns me. You do not want to bore or disappoint him. Keep working... I'm going to circulate the room and give you some feedback.

Ritabotts, this is stunning. Your theme is consistent and coherent. I worry about the large earrings with 48 point font, though. Think about accessories that will bring out your project. Carry on.

This is unexpected, Pow-la. I look at your product and I get warm fuzzies... a real slice of Americana. I'm just... I'm in awe. Really exquisite.

What's this, Margaret? This concerns me. You've fulfilled the requirements, but it's just... so bare bones. Don't bore Professor Wilson, Margaret. Choose some accessories from the Bluefly.com accessories wall that will spice up this blog. You're in crunch time here. Make it work.

Bloggers, you have six days to finish. Make it work.

Tim.

...Rachel Ray

Dear Journal,

In response to my wildly successful Thirty Minute Meals, I'm introducing Thirty Second Meals. Here's the first recipe!

EVOO Surprise

You will need:

Pour EVOO into tablespoon.

Drink.


YUM-O!!!!

-Rach.

...Paris Hilton

Dear Diary,

Things that are currently hot:
• Me
• Tinkerbell
• My vintage Christian LaCroix sundress
• Razorburn on my cho-cha

Things that are currently not hot:
• My films

So. Here's what I'm going to propose to my agent: new films that focus on my talents.

Idea #1: A film called Corpse. In it I would play a corpse. People in the movie would be figuring out how I died and stuff. But, like, I wouldn't move or act or anything because I'm dead.

Idea #2: A film called Uh-Oh. In it three friends and I are going on a wilderness adventure. But in, like, the first two minutes, I'm knocked unconscious by a grizzly bear. My friends spend the rest of the movie trying to get me to a hospital.

Idea #3: A film called Irony. While exploring in a jungle, a famous singer (me) gets laryngitis and succumbs to paralysis moments later when a pit viper bites her. Will the record company executives find her in time for her awesome concert at Madison Square Garden?

Idea #4: A film called Shut It, Maisy Buttit. I'll play Maisy Buttit, a high school student who is bound in gagged by jealous classmates during the opening credits of the film. Maisy is shoved into the janitor's closet, where a paint can falls on her head. She totally blacks out! Luckily, Maisy's chihuahua, Hank, is with her. Hank seeks vengeance on Maisy's aggressors.

I've been trying to call my agent for the last five days, but he isn't picking up. He must be really busy. Will keep you updated on progress.

xoParisxo

...Paula Abdul

Journal, you are a star!

First, I need to tell you something: you look beautiful tonight. Absolutely stunning! I love the way your pages capture all my thoughts, even if my scribbles are the result of a potentially toxic cocktail of Lithium, antihistamines, 99 Bananas, and Coca-Cola.

Second, America loves you. You just shine! You have captured the hearts of this nation, and you will go far. Okay, so you stumbled a little bit, but you looked beautiful while doing it. You leave me breathless.

Third, don't listen to Simon. He will call you names and make vicious judgments of you, using words like "abysmal" or "deplorable" or "lifeless"; he may even tell you to pack your bags and book your flight. Not a word of it is true, journal! You are a shining star and you are destined for greatness!

Fourth, I love you. When I talk about you, I get choked up and say incoherent things. I might babble uselessly and uninterrupted for several minutes, but I mean every blessed word, even if I can't remember it the morning after.

You are a star, journal. And you look beautiful! And this was your best entry yet.

Love,
Paula

...Larry the Cable Guy

Ah need sum feedback on sum new jokes! Lemme know what ya'll think!

1. A repairman came to see me n' the wife! He says, "What's wrong?" I says, "Dishwasher's broken!" He says, "Slap her ass an' tell 'er to git back to work!" GIT 'ER DONE!

2. Why did the woman cross the road? ...Who the hell cares? What's she doin' outta the kitchen?!? GIT 'ER DONE!!

3. How are zits and Michael Jackson alike? They both come on yer face when yer thirteen! GIT 'ER DONE!!!

4. What's red and has seven dents in it? Snow White's cherry. GIT 'ER DONE!!!!

5. A newlywed redneck couple arrive at their hotel to begin their honeymoon. The manager greets them and says "I see you're newlyweds! ... I can give you the Bridal". The husband says, "No thanks, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets the hang of it!" GIT 'ER DONE!!!!!

I'm friggin' hilarious, ya'll.

GIT 'ER DONE!!!!!!

-Larry

...Britney Spears

It's Britney, bitches!!!!!!!

Meds ran out a couple days ago and it was really shaky for a while there but now I am filled with so much creativity and energy and have been inventing new dance moves to bust out on the new world tour for my as-yet-untitled upcoming album that I've been working hard on and I think it's going to be a really amazing multi-platinum record because I hired some really hip producers to pound out the beats to keep your feet dancing and your heart racing kind of like my heart is racing right now because I just returned from Jamie Lynn's to see her new baby who is so cute and sweet and I think I left Jayden in the car for too long while I was in Saks earlier today but he seemed to be okay just really sweaty and gripey because I didn't remember to roll down the windows but he's so young that he can't tell his daddy but I hope the paparazzi didn't take pictures because I will be up shits creek and oh my god I just want to dance so bad today and I am thinking about shaving my head again because it will show off the wicked cool tattoo that I have on the back of my neck and it will give me a fresh new edgy look for the new record and wow I really am beginning to regret forgetting to refill my prescription because now I'm starting to shake really bad maybe I should get a coffee or something to calm me down because Starbucks has the best double shot espresso macchiato with no-foam latté and I could really go for one now oh my god I just thought of the best lyric for a song ever I will have to remember it tomorrow morning if my heart doesn't explode but I think I'm going to crash right now!!B!r!i!t!n!e!y!