...Professor Dan Wilson

Dear Diary,

The cat is out of the bag: I am awesome. Also, I am on the verge of a career in comedy.

I've said a lot of funny things to my students in LIS 2600, and I've fortunately had the foresight to scrawl down most every blessed drop of humor that I squeezed out.

So now, o' comforting journal, I present:

Dan Wilson on...

On things not to say in front of your young son in the event that he repeats aforementioned phrase in wife's presence:
"You eyeballin' me?"

On Schadenfreude:
"And even though we don't curve grades, when others do worse than us, we feel better about ourselves."

On the importance of offering audial information in tandem with visual information:
"A patron might ask, 'How do I use this Internet thing?' to which you should respond, 'Do you see that "x" in the upper right hand corner? Click on it. Now get up and walk away. You're not smart enough to be using this computer."

On being corrected by smart-assed former English teachers-turned-librarians and how they will interact with patrons while teaching Dewey Classification:
"You are now in 'Mammals' and this how you spell it."

On intellectual property:
"I want you to brainstorm ideas that I can take and publish and make a ton of money and you just get mad... because that's the kind of irony that I find funny."

On WebMD:
"You figure out what rash you've got and who you should stop hanging out with."

On people who fail to back-up their files:
"Some of you are running around with IT scissors in your hands. And one day..." [ominously puts hand to eye.]

On my obsession with financial security:
"DBAs make a ton of money... fancy suits... more than the chancellor, less than the basketball coach... nice salary... mid-six figures... add value to a resume... job security... more money in my pocket... long lunches, long lunches, long lunches, long lunches..."*

On Westinghouse:
"When Westinghouse I Westinghouse worked Westinghouse at Westinghouse, I Westinghouse didn't Westinghouse get Westinghouse a Westinghouse long Westinghouse lunch."*

*Not direct quotes

The good news is, journal, that my students really liked me this semester. Here's what they've said!

"He likes the Steelers." - Andrea

"His jokes at the beginning of class keep the joke-telling tradition alive!" - Maggie

"I bet he's fun at a barbecue." - Tim

"Dan Wilson is a sharp dresser!" - Paula

"Imitation, Dan Wilson, is the sincerest form of flattery. PS: You didn't actually think you wouldn't be one of my entries, did you?! C'mon. You being the final target was the whole reason I started this thematic blog." - Joe Prince

Hooray for a great semester!
xox Dan

...Tim Gunn

Bloggers:

Professor Wilson mentioned that many of you have not reached the required 24-post goal. This concerns me. You do not want to bore or disappoint him. Keep working... I'm going to circulate the room and give you some feedback.

Ritabotts, this is stunning. Your theme is consistent and coherent. I worry about the large earrings with 48 point font, though. Think about accessories that will bring out your project. Carry on.

This is unexpected, Pow-la. I look at your product and I get warm fuzzies... a real slice of Americana. I'm just... I'm in awe. Really exquisite.

What's this, Margaret? This concerns me. You've fulfilled the requirements, but it's just... so bare bones. Don't bore Professor Wilson, Margaret. Choose some accessories from the Bluefly.com accessories wall that will spice up this blog. You're in crunch time here. Make it work.

Bloggers, you have six days to finish. Make it work.

Tim.

...Rachel Ray

Dear Journal,

In response to my wildly successful Thirty Minute Meals, I'm introducing Thirty Second Meals. Here's the first recipe!

EVOO Surprise

You will need:

Pour EVOO into tablespoon.

Drink.


YUM-O!!!!

-Rach.

...Paris Hilton

Dear Diary,

Things that are currently hot:
• Me
• Tinkerbell
• My vintage Christian LaCroix sundress
• Razorburn on my cho-cha

Things that are currently not hot:
• My films

So. Here's what I'm going to propose to my agent: new films that focus on my talents.

Idea #1: A film called Corpse. In it I would play a corpse. People in the movie would be figuring out how I died and stuff. But, like, I wouldn't move or act or anything because I'm dead.

Idea #2: A film called Uh-Oh. In it three friends and I are going on a wilderness adventure. But in, like, the first two minutes, I'm knocked unconscious by a grizzly bear. My friends spend the rest of the movie trying to get me to a hospital.

Idea #3: A film called Irony. While exploring in a jungle, a famous singer (me) gets laryngitis and succumbs to paralysis moments later when a pit viper bites her. Will the record company executives find her in time for her awesome concert at Madison Square Garden?

Idea #4: A film called Shut It, Maisy Buttit. I'll play Maisy Buttit, a high school student who is bound in gagged by jealous classmates during the opening credits of the film. Maisy is shoved into the janitor's closet, where a paint can falls on her head. She totally blacks out! Luckily, Maisy's chihuahua, Hank, is with her. Hank seeks vengeance on Maisy's aggressors.

I've been trying to call my agent for the last five days, but he isn't picking up. He must be really busy. Will keep you updated on progress.

xoParisxo

...Paula Abdul

Journal, you are a star!

First, I need to tell you something: you look beautiful tonight. Absolutely stunning! I love the way your pages capture all my thoughts, even if my scribbles are the result of a potentially toxic cocktail of Lithium, antihistamines, 99 Bananas, and Coca-Cola.

Second, America loves you. You just shine! You have captured the hearts of this nation, and you will go far. Okay, so you stumbled a little bit, but you looked beautiful while doing it. You leave me breathless.

Third, don't listen to Simon. He will call you names and make vicious judgments of you, using words like "abysmal" or "deplorable" or "lifeless"; he may even tell you to pack your bags and book your flight. Not a word of it is true, journal! You are a shining star and you are destined for greatness!

Fourth, I love you. When I talk about you, I get choked up and say incoherent things. I might babble uselessly and uninterrupted for several minutes, but I mean every blessed word, even if I can't remember it the morning after.

You are a star, journal. And you look beautiful! And this was your best entry yet.

Love,
Paula

...Larry the Cable Guy

Ah need sum feedback on sum new jokes! Lemme know what ya'll think!

1. A repairman came to see me n' the wife! He says, "What's wrong?" I says, "Dishwasher's broken!" He says, "Slap her ass an' tell 'er to git back to work!" GIT 'ER DONE!

2. Why did the woman cross the road? ...Who the hell cares? What's she doin' outta the kitchen?!? GIT 'ER DONE!!

3. How are zits and Michael Jackson alike? They both come on yer face when yer thirteen! GIT 'ER DONE!!!

4. What's red and has seven dents in it? Snow White's cherry. GIT 'ER DONE!!!!

5. A newlywed redneck couple arrive at their hotel to begin their honeymoon. The manager greets them and says "I see you're newlyweds! ... I can give you the Bridal". The husband says, "No thanks, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets the hang of it!" GIT 'ER DONE!!!!!

I'm friggin' hilarious, ya'll.

GIT 'ER DONE!!!!!!

-Larry

...Britney Spears

It's Britney, bitches!!!!!!!

Meds ran out a couple days ago and it was really shaky for a while there but now I am filled with so much creativity and energy and have been inventing new dance moves to bust out on the new world tour for my as-yet-untitled upcoming album that I've been working hard on and I think it's going to be a really amazing multi-platinum record because I hired some really hip producers to pound out the beats to keep your feet dancing and your heart racing kind of like my heart is racing right now because I just returned from Jamie Lynn's to see her new baby who is so cute and sweet and I think I left Jayden in the car for too long while I was in Saks earlier today but he seemed to be okay just really sweaty and gripey because I didn't remember to roll down the windows but he's so young that he can't tell his daddy but I hope the paparazzi didn't take pictures because I will be up shits creek and oh my god I just want to dance so bad today and I am thinking about shaving my head again because it will show off the wicked cool tattoo that I have on the back of my neck and it will give me a fresh new edgy look for the new record and wow I really am beginning to regret forgetting to refill my prescription because now I'm starting to shake really bad maybe I should get a coffee or something to calm me down because Starbucks has the best double shot espresso macchiato with no-foam latté and I could really go for one now oh my god I just thought of the best lyric for a song ever I will have to remember it tomorrow morning if my heart doesn't explode but I think I'm going to crash right now!!B!r!i!t!n!e!y!

...Christian Siriano

Oh my god, I'm going to die. Project Runway has propelled my star, but most importantly, it's brought me the fiercest tranny-fierce fierce model ever. Her name is T'ara. She is tranny-fierce:


T'ara has inspired me in my designs. I've dropped the whole boxy shoulder approach I used in Project Runway (even though it's still fierce) and am trying a more streamlined Uli meets Rami design aesthetic (which is fiercer and trannier than I myself could ever have imagined).


T'ara likes the new slouching pose that models do. Being statuesque, although fierce in the decades that preceded 2008, is totally out. Just thinking about how un-fierce and un-tranny it is makes me want to kill my fierce self. Don't worry bitches, I won't.

T'ara and I are going to Milan over 4th of July weekend. It's the fiercest city in the world. And we will look totally tranny-fierce together. I'm going to die. I'm so excited.

Later bitches,
Christian.

PS: LOVE Christian, so don't take this the wrong way (bitches).

...Martha Stewart

Dearest Diary,

I have concocted my most delicious recipe yet and I want to share it with you before I release it onto an unsuspecting public. (It will change lives, of this I am certain.)

Triple Chocolate Pumpkin Rose Cake With Strawberry-Peach & Chicken Buttercream

Okay, look. I know the flavor combination is a little out there, but trust me - it is divine.

Here's the recipe:
Cake: 3 cups flour • 1 stick butter • 1/2 lb milk chocolate • 1/2 lb dark chocolate • 1/2 lb white chocolate • 4 eggs • 1 tsp. baking soda • splash of milk • 3 cups pumpkin • 1/2 lb pureed rosebuds • 1/4 cup gin (Don't question me, just do it.)
Frosting: 1 stick butter • 1/2 lb strawberries • 1/2 lb peaches • 1 five-pound chicken, roasted • 3 cups cream • 1/2 cup sugar

OK! Here we go!

Triple Chocolate Pumpkin Rose Cake With Strawberry-Peach & Chicken Buttercream
(3-10 years prep; 2 hours baking)
Directions
1. Grow wheat for flour. This will take 3-10 years.
2. Harvest & mill wheat.
3. Raise a chicken and a cow until they reach maturity (approx. 1 year)
4. Collect eggs from chicken, then slaughter the chicken. I find that cutting off the head is unnecessarily cruel. What I do is shame the chicken until it's depressed and overdoses on sleeping pills. This sometimes takes a couple months, but the sleeping pills give an extra kick to the batter. It's really worth it.
5. Milk cow. Churn butter with half of what cow has yielded. Slaughter cow, freeze carcass. You can make tasty kabobs with remains.
6. Can the peaches and strawberries a couple months in advance. I find that canning fruits at three in the morning optimizes their flavors, but if you prefer to take a shortcut, suit yourself. Don't expect to win any baking awards, though.

Cake
1. Combine three cups flour (milled from wheat) with splash of milk and baking soda in a mixing bowl.
2. Melt chocolate (I order from special vendor in Switzerland; I suggest you do the same, but if you want cheap trailer-park cakes, by all means, knock yourself out and go with Hershey's).
3. Combine chocolate with butter in a bowl, but not the one with the flour.
4. Fold in chocolate-butter combo with flour combo. Use a new bowl for this.
5. In separate bowl, combine pumpkins, pureed rosebuds, and eggs. Beat vigorously for 2 1/2 hours, not a minute more or a minute less. Get your maid to do it if necessary.
6. Drink the gin. You deserve a break.
7. Take out a new bowl. Combine all ingredients one teaspoon at a time. By this I mean, take a teaspoon of the pumpkin combination and drop it in the bowl. Then take a teaspoon of the chocolate combination and drop it in the bowl. Continue alternating in this method. This will take a couple hours, but the flavors will have time to mingle with each other.
8. In a bundt pan or in cupcake tins, pour in the mixture. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour. Remove and cool.

Frosting
1. Roast chicken in oven. Do not season it with anything. You want the chickeniest chicken possible.
2. In a Cuisinart, blend strawberries, peaches, butter, cream, and sugar. Transfer to mixing bowl.
3. Remove chicken from oven and peel succulent meat from carcass.
4. In a different Cuisinart, puree the chicken meat. Transfer to mixing bowl.
5. Blend thoroughly (about 1/2 hour).
6. Spread evenly on cupcakes or bundt cake.
7. Serve immediately.

ENJOY!

Yummy kisses,
Martha

...Ann Coulter

Dear Minions,

My new book has been green-lighted by the publishing company, but I can't decide on a title. The book is about the liberal media and how they corrupt the good citizens of this country with their lies and propaganda. There are a couple chapters about fags like John Edwards thrown in for good measure.

Help me out. I need you. Your country needs you. Vote on one of the following titles.

1. Liberals Aren't Like Monkeys (You Can Train Monkeys!)

2. "Fag" Ain't Just British Slang For Cigarette

3. The Secret Life of Barak Obama Bin Laden

4. My Snatch Is Stronger, Wittier, and Crazier Than Yours

5. "Ill Bear" May Be An Anagram For 'Liberal', But A Sick Ursus Would Still Happily Eat All Your Bleeding Hearts

Don't offer additional suggestions. I am not interested in them. I am smarter than all of you. My middle name may be 'Hart', but that doesn't mean I have one.

Ann.

...Richard Simmons

Hey, Ladies!

I had a case of the Grumpy Grumps this morning! But I don't let those gray clouds stick around for long! No sir! I get up Up UP and I move Move MOVE and soon as you know it I smile Smile SMILE! There's no time for Grumpypants! Throw them out the door! They make your ass look big anyway! I just do what I always do! I make a list of things that get me happy and then I gave myself the entire day to Get It Done! That's right, girls! GET! IT! DONE!

#1. Buy new panties! CHECK! Victoria's Secret has an awesome sale right now!
#2. Watch 5 episodes of Oprah! CHECK! UGoGirl!
#3. Listen to some oldies! CHECK! I! Sweat! It! Out!
#4. Eat tub of Ben & Jerry's! CHECK! Repeat #3!
#5. Get a perm! CHECK! Bouncy hair is happy hair!
#6. Consider sex change! CHECK! Need to sell more videos and Deal-a-Meals and assorted exercise products before this becomes a reality! Buy my stuff, ladies!

Whew!

So the next time Captain Grumps-a-lot gives it to you up the ass, take a page from your ole pal Richard and chase those blues away!

Love you - mean it!
Richard!

...Brad Pitt

Enough with the goddamned babies already, lady.

I need a drink.

B-rad

...Angelina Jolie

Hey Journal,

Awesome news. I discovered this morning that my lips have an allergic reaction to the chemicals in Peppermint ChapStick. The result? They swell to six times their normal size! Because my lips are already six times larger than an average adult's, this means they bloom to twelve times the average! Poutier, more beestung lips mean I will really dominate the silver screen. My lips might even require their own billing in credits.

Just imagine:
Mr. Smith ...................... Brad Pitt
Mrs. Smith .................... Angelina Jolie
Angelina's Lips ............. As themselves

I'm gonna get these suckers insured!

In other news, I have found 23 new babies to adopt. 6 are from Namibia, 1 is from Mozambique, 9 are from China, 3 are soon-to-be-former street urchins I found in London, and 4 are from my next door neighbor (she had quadruplets!).

This is turning out to be the best day ever.

Big, wet kisses from my ginormous lips,
xAngelinax

[a break from the shenanigans]

Dearest classmates (and anyone else who reads this...),

Is there any particular celebrity, politician, or sports star you'd like to see me lampoon? I still have six or seven on my list, but that won't pad out the assignment.

Suggestions are welcome!

Llama kisses,
Joe

[11 entries down, 13 to go!]

...Bill O'Reilly

Dear America,

I was on that liberal panty-wipe news website CNN this morning and I was horrified to hear about the four boy scouts killed by a twister. The sissies at CNN wrote the story with "compassion" (read: "bleeding hearts"), but America, I think we need to take more drastic measures than writing stories about these Boy Scout heroes. I call on you - all of you - to join me in a boycott against tornadoes. We will not tolerate this terrorism that takes the lives of this country's children. Do not accept the reign of terror that these freak forces of nature inflict on our people. Stand up! Be patriotic! I will cut off your mic if you aren't!

And then I read this filth about that unpatriotic Michelle Obama. How dare she say her husband's nomination is the first time she's felt affection for her country? Let me guess, Mrs. Obama, you clapped and cheered when those terrorists forever maimed our landscape on 9/11. You should be shipped to a leper colony, Mrs. Obama! May they eat your rotting, dangling limbs! CUT OFF HER MIC! I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS! THIS IS A NO-SPIN ZONE! CUT OFF HER MIC!!

Top Chef has announced its new winner. This cocky bitch had the audacity to say, and I QUOTE: "It definitely took a lot to get to the finals. It's definitely one of the hardest things I've done." TRY PROTECTING THIS COUNTRY FROM INFIDELS, YOU UNGRATEFUL SLUT. YOU THINK WHIPPING UP A FOIE GRAS IS DIFFICULT? LOOK IN THE MIRROR, SWEETHEART. THIS COUNTRY IS UNDER ATTACK FROM DUMBASSES LIKE YOU! CUT OFF HER MIC! I'M TIRED OF LISTENING TO THIS LIBERAL CRAP!! CUT HER OFF!!

Dammit. I'm so mad. Where's Andrea Mackris? I need to sexually harass someone before my heart explodes in anger.

Bill.

...Justin Timberlake

THANGS TA DO TA-DAY

1. Wax chest. (Ouch!! But tha ladiez love it! I think they do, anyway!)

2. Return Lance Bass's calls. Am not interested in NSYNC reunion, but might be interested in sleeping with Lance. Bisexuality is "in" right now. Will ask Madonna for advice.

3. Practice "Ow!"s and "Ooo-hoo!"s in mirror. Try tilting fedora simultaneously.

4. Learn how to moonwalk. Again. It's so hard!!

5. Practice at mini-golf range. Tiger Woods is goin' down!

6. Finish lyrics for new song on forthcoming album. Am stuck on this stanza:

I had your heart, girl
You took it back, son
I really want to be
Like _______ _______.

7. Call Brit. Does bok choy go well with asparagus? She'd know.

8. Finish reading Ramona Quimby, Age 8. Almost done!!!

9. Consider renaming penis. "Timbersnake" sounds tacky.

10. Bottle farts and suggest to solicitor that scents be used in upcoming perfume line. Tha ladiez will love it!!

...David Archuleta

Hi, Diary!

Dad said I should have won American Idol. Dad thinks I am a way better singer than David Cook. But I like David Cook. He was nice. He was a rocker! That's cool!

Dad took away my computer privileges when I lost American Idol. He said I shamed the family. Dad doesn't know that I have the internet on my Blackberry. Don't tell!

Dad told me that I didn't put enough effort into my songs. He also thinks that I fell apart as soon as he didn't have any input in the arrangements for the songs. He also thinks Randy is an idiot, Paula is a drunk, and Simon is an a**hole. Dad told me I should think these things, too. I think Paula is funny. Like, LOL funny, not funny in the head.

Dad yelled at me after American Idol. He told me that if I don't practice 19 hours a day, he's going to take away my ukelele. Dad doesn't know that I gave my ukelele to Paula when she was secretly admitted into the Santa Barbara Mental Health Resort for "exhaustion". She works really hard. I would be exhausted, too. I am exhausted. Dad made me stay up until 4 this morning. He said I wasn't singing "Amazing Grace" with either amazingness or grace. He wouldn't let me go to sleep until I achieved both. I cried a lot. He threw a couple lamps. It was scary.

Dad locked me in our basement recording studio and told me not to come out until I think about all the things I've done disgrace him. But I can't think of anything. I think I'm a nice guy, that's what I think! I also think that "Amazing Grace" is a stupid song. Hee hee hee!

Uh-oh. I hear him stomping down the stairs. Gotta go!

Kisses,
David

...Miley Cyrus

YDear Diary,Y

Annie L. called 2day. She wanted 2 take more pix! :) She promised they would B artsy, not smutty like the last ones. Daddy said it would B ok. He's such an awesum dad!! :)

So she came over and told me 2 strip and drape a sheet around myself. :( "Isn't this what we did last time?" I asked, but she was already snapping photos. :(

I felt a little violated after the session, :( but Annie promised it would B ok. "U R a star!" she proclaimed. :)

She wuz right! :)

The pix look totally awesum! :)

So I e-mailed them 2 the prez of my fanclub, who I only know as xCutiexbluexeyezx2000, but her mom downloaded the pix first and now I am in hot water!! :( Apparently, xCutiexbluexeyesx2000 is only 8 years old!! Oh noes!! :(

Diary, what should I do? I want 2 B loyal 2 my totally awesum tween fanbase, but I want 2 B a hoochie, 2! :) So u ever feel like that? Life is hard. :(

But life is also easy. :) I just cashed a royalty check that was 2.6 mil and now I can buy that new Bratz doll! :) Awesum! :)

YLove,Y
YMileyY

Joe sez, "Huzzah to Jacqui for the idea!" and "Thanks, Tim, for snapping the pictures, even if it was a little awkward."

...Jonathan Safran Foer

Dear Diary,

It has been so long since I've written you that my intestines ache. Ever since I've been crowned the wunderkind of modern fiction (and the toast of literary New York), my time is precious. Just like my books are precious. Certainly Michiko Kakutani thinks my books are precious. I mounted what she said about my last book, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, above the mantle in the living room: "...contains moments of shattering emotion and virtuosity that attest to Mr. Foer's myriad gifts..." She's so hard to impress, too! And I try really hard to impress her.

I fear, diary, that I may be in the middle of a writer's block.

As you know, my first book, Everything Is Illuminated, was a fiction novel about a guy named Jonathan Safran Foer (that's me!!) traveling to Eastern Europe to trace his family's roots. It was very funny & honest & poetic & lovely. I liked it a lot!! My second book, the aforementioned Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, was about a 9 year old boy named Oscar who, post 9/11, seeks to find a lock that is linked to his father's untimely death. It was very pretentious & sappy & cloying & artsy. I liked it a lot!!

Trouble is, I don't know where to go from here.

I started writing a book called The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, but apparently it's already a book. And it won the Pulitzer!! Who knew?! The characters in that book are comic book artists, but my characters were Thai hookers who went on a crazy cocaine bender and turned into leapfrogs. Admittedly, it wasn't my best effort.

Next I started writing a book called A History of Hate, a response to my wife's magnificent book, A History of Love. I slept on the couch for a month after that little stunt.

Then came Orange, which was just the word "orange" rearranged differently throughout 426 pages, like this: o r a n g e (p. 28); ora ng e (p. 103); e g n o r a (p. 229); orang e (p. 350) - don't worry, I won't give away the ending!! My editor wasn't happy with that effort.

So today I was brainstorming and I came up with this: a novel called Everything Is Extremely Close & Incredibly Loud. It is the story of a 9 year-old girl named Jonathan Safran Foer who travels to Eastern Europe to find a lock that may or may not have belonged to her father or grandfather. The book will feature all sorts of interesting phrases and wordspushedtogethertoindicatepanic and small scripts and BIG SCRIPTS and colors and pages with (no W O R D S) and pages with (toomanyWORDS) and crossouts and different fonts and photographs and drawings and diagrams and hypertext links that will not work because it is a book not a website but people will be too involved in the story & the characters & the passion & the creativity & the superstaramazingnessoftheWunderKind that they will not care and I will make money and we will settle in a house by the sea and the last page will be so lovely & moving & powerful that readers will weep and I will be rich.

I am amazing.

Love,
Jonathan

...Bill Clinton

LOL.

...Hillary Clinton

I think I must address this above YouTube video, which was brought to me on a silver platter by my Guatemalan maid, Pepita. Now, before I go any further, I need you to know that Pepita has been gainfully employed by the Clintons for twenty years, and we acquired her quite legally. Well, at the time it was legal. I think. I don't remember. It was a long time ago. And anyway, a baby left crying in front of a fruit stand at an open air market in Guatemala contributes more to society by bringing me things than it does by crying. Don't worry. Pepita is none the wiser, and she's always been very happy here. There was the Great Escape Attempt of 1999, but we cleared that up. Just a misunderstanding.

My honorable competitor, Mr. Obama, will contend that this video proves that I've lived a bourgeoisie lifestyle and am unable to relate to the lower or middle classes. But let's face it, there's almost no middle class in this country anymore, and we can thank President Bush for that. (I will wait while you cheer, clap, and wave your CLINTON '08 banners.)

My fellow Americans, you should know that I always serve myself coffee. Here is how the process works. Three days before I require coffee, Pepita roasts the beans and immediately freezes them to capture the essence and robust flavor. Three days later she removes the beans from the freezer, grinds them, and brews a pot with triple-reverse-osmosis-purified water. She then pours the piping hot beverage into a Versace china cup (isn't it darling?!), brings it into the room on a platinum serving tray, and offers it to me while prostrating at my feet.

But I raise the glass to my lips. And I force the caffeinated goodness down my gullet. Pepita just watches and occasionally offers to wipe my mouth with an embroidered silk napkin.

See, I live my life just like you. You are America. I am America. We are America.

The coffee machine at the gas station was state-of-the-art and that's why I was unable to use it. It made coffee with lasers and microchips or something like that and only trained professionals are supposed to operate it. The stupid clerk didn't tell us that until Brett interrogated talked to him calmly about the situation.

Brett is my favorite Secret Service Agent. He is a very intimidating guy. This is my favorite picture of him because he looks like he wants to eat the guy holding the camera.

When Brett makes that face at people at my rallies, it makes me laugh.


Wow. I really digressed there. Normal people digress, don't they? I mean you, fellow American, probably take detours when you write or talk, telling inter-related stories concurrently, right? Do you see? This is further proof that I'm not some rich, privileged, ego-tripping white lady who cattily attacks her opponent for having no "experience", even though he appears far more human and is able to relate to the working classes. Oops! I digressed again. See? I'm just like you!

God bless you!
Hill

...Amy Winehouse

wokeup a noon, shit n th bed on axaden. five day benders play hellon my bowels. lolz.

suposta be at th recordin studio buh forgots. lolz. tease m hare up n went to tesco for some chips n biscuits an lockd mself outta aparmen. had a fag on th fron porch n cald my mum to pik me up. she droved me to bobby stashun. bad idea. th bobby foun two kilosov cocayne n stuff n my purse but i haffa gettit to th pokey for blake. i haffa pee n a cup.

wanna vist blake buh cort datez getin th way, blake, sorry. blake. blake? BLAKE!!! BLAKE!!! MY BABY!!! dis awardzfor you blake!!

veins hurtin now. neefix.

amyamyamyamyamyamyamy

...John Krasinski

Dear Journal,

Today is the season finale for The Office. I'm thinking of trying out some new faces for my character Jim to make when Dwight Schrute or Michael Scott says something stupid (which is often!).

Here are some I've been practicing in dress rehearsals.

What do you think, journal? They might be my most clever and original faces yet!

Sincerely,
John K.

...Lindsay Lohan

Ohmigod!

So. West Hollywood is totally crazy on a Monday night! (But really... now that I think of it, when is West Hollywood not crazy?!) Seriously! The gays know how to party! Even on a school night!

Okay. So I totally deserved to go out. I'm working on my new album and most of my day was spent in the studio laying down and mastering four tracks: "Samantha, U R My Gurl", "Daddy Doesn't Love Me", "Cokehead Blues", and "Oops, I Crashed My Car Again".

So. The first is a tender ballad with mad-crazy Indian strings and this incredible vocal loop that totally sounds like nothing else that's ever been written. Ever. Except maybe that Imogen Heap song. And of course, it's about Sam Ronson, who is my total BFF. Some might say "my lover", but if you think I'm dishing about that, you're wrong! "Daddy Doesn't Love Me" is the toughest song I've ever written. Here's a sneak preview of the opening line: "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy/You treated me like crap/I never wanted to be in/the movie Parent Trap". Isn't that awesome? "Cokehead Blues" is the craziest song I've ever written. There are, like, guitars and synthesizers and yodeling in it. I think there's a goat somewhere in there, too. It's wild. "Oops, I Crashed My Car Again" is totally punk! Think, like, Good Charlotte! Not that crappy punk from the late 1970s. Like, real punk!

Okay. So I was cooped up in a studio and totally needed to let loose. So Sammy came over at 9:45. We spent a little bit of time in the hot tub, drinking appletinis, and talking about... you know, stuff... like Ashlee's pregnancy and Amy's arrest. Famous people are so crazy! Anyway. So Sam & I were really drunk by, like, 10:30, but the night was young! And so are we!

So. We hopped in my car and drove to West Hollywood. I might have hit a dog on the way, but I was so wasted, it could have been a squirrel. Or a child. Seriously, though... it's not my fault. Keep your pets (or children) on leashes, America!

Okay. So we went to this amazing nightclub, Codpiece, and there were so many hot guys. Most of them were totally gay and making out... but this is West Hollywood, right? Right. So Sam was like, "You want to make out, Lindsay?" and we did. And everyone was cheering and ordering us more drinks. I must have had at least 5 Long Island Iced Teas. I mean, I was rocked.

So. Apparently the 'razzi showed up and started taking pictures of me and Sam... who, by this time, was only wearing panties. It was crazy! But we're totally not gay. We just like to hang out and explore each other's bodies. With our mouths. I mean, if that's gay, then the Pope is Catholic, right? Oh wait. Is the pope Catholic? I can never remember. Religion is like math... it's really confusing.

Okay. So there are probably going to be photographs in inTouch this week. Ignore them! It was totally innocent. Anyway, so it was like 8 in the morning by the time we were finished partying. Sam tried to convince me that I was too drunk to drive home, but I was totally sober! I hadn't had a drink in, like, 30 minutes. That's totally enough time to absorb all that alcohol. On the way home, I might have taken a shortcut. Through the mall. It's all a blur. God, I hope I didn't do too much damage.

Love ya, journal!
Lindsay

Joe says: Big shout out to Vitamin Water for making acai-blueberry-pomegranate flavored water, which sorta looks like wine in dim light!